5

My Sweet Louise (series) 

PHOTOCREDIT: H.K.


My heart is heavy. My heart aches. My heart is weary and I can’t shake this feeling. 

Though our paths have yet to meet in person, you have left a mark in my heart so great that what you are going through saddens my very soul. 

There has only been one other moment when I cried and hurt for someone else’s pain. The injustice, and unfairness that you and your family suffer from is heavy. I guess it makes me a selfish person to rarely feel for others as much. BUT YOU, you always feel for others, even when you know them, not well. But it takes great pain for me to feel. And your pain is so much, my soul cries. 

Remember in the hardest moments that will soon nag you more than it already has, you are loved. You are missed. Your kindness is missed. Your smile is missed. Your wisdom is missed. But this I know, your love is always close by. And not a moment you are forgotten. Be brave, be strong, keep your heart strong, keep singing and keep praying. 


It is a break to strengthen you more. To spread your experience and strengthen others. You are one of the strongest woman I have ever come to know and God will see you through this. 


I will still be here, when you return.
With lots of love, 

Thelma. 

MM, out! 

5

My Open Letter to Apollo

My Sweet Baby Boy, 

I have been trying to find the words to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for this season of your life that feels so sad, cloudy and unfair. Sorry that you have to shield your emotions from me, so that it wouldn’t contribute to more thoughts that linger in my head and overwhelms me with guilt. Sorry that you feel powerless through my illness. Sorry that you’re the sponge for my ever changing moods. 

In the midst of all of this, I want you to know that while in these moments it feels otherwise, I LOVE YOU. I love you always, no matter how it seems. I want you to know that when it feels like im distant, my heart knows nothing than to love you from afar. I want you to know that in the midst of the chaos that effects you the most, I will always find you and save you, the best I can even if you don’t see it or notice it. I want you to know that in the moments when you tell me your heartaches, I am fighting with you through them. I am fighting for you! I am! I want you to know that it won’t be like this, forever. I want you to know that for every inch you drift, I am holding on with all my might! I want you to know that for every hard breath I take in the moments I feel so lost, that you are my reason. I want you to know that you give me strength. I want you to know that you are what saves me! Time and time again, you save me! 

Though it feels less than it should, I love you so much! Always & Forever. I will always be here for you, no matter the season, reason, instances, or moments. 

Love, Mom. 
MM, out! 

25

How My Postpartum Depression Effects My Son

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This post is probably going to make you feel all sorts of things. It’s probably going to make you want to judge me on how cruel or mean I am as a mom. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to understand how this is a struggle for me, something that breaks my heart on the daily, something I have felt so guilty and have cried an ocean about. But I’m going to share this with you, because I don’t think many people understand the extent or the vastness of Postpartum Depression and how it effects the actual person and the people she loves the most. 

 

My Son

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My son is eight. When I first had him, I was twenty-one. I remember the day I went into labour, and feeling afraid. Apollo being my first child, I was afraid of how it was all going to happen. If I could do it. If I was prepared to give birth to a baby. If I was prepared to have a child. All the things you’re supposed to have thought about prior, came flooding in and all I could think about was, “WHY DIDN’T I READ THOSE BABY BOOKS?!” As if I was gonna find the drugs to ease the pain from labour, or get the doctor who needs to administer the epidural out of the operation room faster, because by the time I opted for epidural I was already exhausted from the contractions.

This isn’t a birth story, so lets fast forward to after he was finally sucked out of my hoo-ha to help me get him out, because I sure was not going to have a c-section. I made sure of that, I’m pretty sure I yelled that to the doctor! “Get this baby out of my vagina, however you need to, as long as it comes out from down there and not my stomach!”

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He ended up having a fever after he came out, he didn’t even cry. Such a brave boy! I didn’t even know he was out, until my mother-in-law said, “Why are you still crying, he’s already over there!” I had felt so exhausted from it all, I couldn’t deal with how I felt about the guilt that my child ended up with a cone head because of the vacuums’ suction, or the fact that he has a fever now, because I ended up getting a fever towards the end of my delivery. How my weakness transferred to my son, and how he was going to spend the rest of his life having this bad trait from me.

Apollo Kai

“As Bright as The Sun and as Deep as The Ocean”

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The focus of this post is to share with you how my postpartum depression experience has effected Apollo the most, in comparison to his sisters who are too young to understand or to allow the effects to consume them. It isn’t to say that it hasn’t effected anyone in my house less, but I feel like my postpartum depression has effected my relationship with Apollo the most, since it began before he had any siblings.

 

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Apollo is the sweetest boy, he is kind, gentle-hearted, loving, fun, rambunctious, hyper, helpful, sensitive, and likes to keep his emotions to himself.

 

It has been super hard coping with postpartum depression, even with the medication the doctor has prescribed (It has yet to work, or not working at all), one in which I can only take when there is another adult to watch the kids because it makes me super sleepy and tired. Well I don’t ever get to use that one because I am never with another adult until around six in the evening or later. So during the day when my anxiety is high and unmanageable, I cannot take anything to help me take the edge off. We have no family and friends around to help because they are all three and a half hours away.

Before I acknowledged or even figured out something was wrong with me, I had spent the last few years feeling like I hated my son, because of the way I treated him. I was easy to anger, easy to yell, every little thing upset me. My OCD effected the way I mothered him, constantly on him for every little thing. “Pick-up your sweater!” “Stop jumping all over the place!” “Calm down!” And slowly it would make us drift.

 

“Do I not love him the same, anymore?”

 

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Slowly our relationship struggled. I was always upset with him. He was always in trouble at school from not being able to socially align his personality (he’s medically assessed to be a gifted child) with the way other children are. I was always yelling at him for everything!

I wasn’t doing any better being the way I was with him. I could recall how I would cry and stand up for him when we were having trouble at school when he was in Kindergarten. I remember I would remind him how he wasn’t the problem and that the school was. Then that shifted a bit before Arty (my second child) was born.

 

I would cry every time I lost it with him. The guilt would over power me and I would drift into this hole, that even I can’t figure a way out of. I hated myself. I hated that I wasn’t the mom I used to be. I hated that the way I loved him changed. I hate that every little thing was so hard. I hated that I could no longer connect with my son.

“I hated that I was a terrible mother!”

 

I love him more than anything in this world! This, I know! This, I feel. But it feels like however Postpartum Depression is effecting me, it’s making my love for Apollo weak. Weak enough, that I am not the mom he used to adore! I am no longer the mom that would give him the benefit of the doubt first, who would never second-guess him, who never had an ounce of distrust! I stood up for him, no matter what! I cried for him, when he was sad, and he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

 

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NOW…
It feels like, he’s drifted from me. It feels like he doesn’t have to talk to me about anything at all because I won’t listen, or I’m always too busy, or I’m always upset. He no longer sits with me and cuddles me, because he feels like I’m so cold to him. He no longer hugs me with sincerity because he feels I’ve changed. He no longer gives me kisses, because kisses mean you have a connection.

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Postpartum Depression is the worst thing I have ever experienced as a mother. It effects every bit of you. You cannot control it. You cannot just make it go away. AS MUCH, as you tell yourself to get yourself together and stop it, YOU CAN’T! It effects you emotionally and physically. It effects the people you love the most. It effects your decision making, it effects your mood, it effects your happiness, IT EFFECTS WHO YOU ARE! I don’t know how else to explain how Postpartum Depression has changed me. Or how much it has effected my family, especially my son. 

But, What I do know is this…
I will get through this. Postpartum Depression will not have me, forever. Postpartum Depression will not take me away from my son, no matter how much it tears me apart. Postpartum Depression will not break my relationship(s) to point, where I cannot get them back. I will fight with all of me, to get better and beat this thing! I will do whatever it takes to fix my relationship with my son, with so much love, that this thing cannot find a loop hole in. I will fight this! I will take my soul back!

 

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I.LOVE.YOU. MORE THAN IT SEEMS, MORE THAN IT WEIGHS, MORE THAN MY LIFE.  I WILL GET US BACK!

 

 

 

MM, out!

20

#RockingMotherhood be like…

Thank you to one of my favourite mommy bloggers Tina from (No, You Need to Calm Down), for tagging me in #rockingmotherhood!

 

It’s literally taken me a week to get this going. I took about a week off blogging, to deal with coping with my Postpartum Depression. Last weekend was my youngest daughter’s baptism. We had her godparents, and my husband’s family over for the weekend. It went well, but perhaps, I was exhausted from all of it and ended up feeling unmotivated and in postpartum depression mode. I don’t really know how to explain that to you, but I just didn’t feel like myself, nor did I feel upbeat enough to continue on with my blogging to-do’s. 

I have been trying to figure out, how I have been #rockingmotherhood. It’s a lot harder to find things you do so good that you’re rocking this role called, motherhood. Most of the time, we get so caught up with picking-at the bad stuff we do, we are mostly filled with guilt rather than accomplishments.

 

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I am going to try my best to come up with a few things to share with you how I am #rockingmotherhood, but please bear with me.


  1. I, mother 3!

    For most of the day, I take care of all three of my children. All day, everyday. I find this as impressive as someone who can juggle. If you’re new to my blog, then you probably don’t know that we moved three and a half hours away from home (Toronto, ON), because my husband found work over the border in Michigan, USA as a project engineer. He works for an automation company, so this means he spends endless hours working on projects and meeting deadlines. This also means, while he spends endless hours at work, I spend endless hours at home taking care of our three babies and everything else in between. I don’t know about you but having children in general is hard and then you add two more and I can guarantee you, you’ll lose your mind trying to figure out how to do just that.
  2. Queen of Unhealthy Snacks

    I contemplated on writing this, but I am definitely my children’s bestfriend when it comes to getting snacks. All day, my two year old asks for snacks, unless she’s sleeping. So having a crazy amount of snacks in my house is as important as changing your underwear every single day. I also don’t have all healthy snacks (don’t judge me). I grew up not really having all the snacks I wanted for school. So I told myself that when I grow up, I will buy and have all the snacks I want. This also means, I send my son stuff to school I never got like: Lunchables, brownies, cakes, dunkaroos, cookies, fake juice, and the list goes on (I know all the healthy mamas reading this are probably shaking their heads at me). There’s surely a sprinkle of healthier snacks in there, that I just don’t care to mention, but my children aren’t always high on sugar, I promise. Having these “snacks” allow me to miss out on most tantrums about the kinds of snacks they want when we grocery shop. While I didn’t start them on healthy eating, I do try to encourage them to eat healthier most of the time. Those snacks are also not free-for-all, whenever, wherever. These are snacks they have to ask for and not expect to just have.
  3. Lesson in Everything
    I am the strict one, between my husband and I. I usually make all the rules, while my husband sometimes try to bend them for the kids. I constantly use moments and situations as a learning tool. Experiences are so big with my eight year old right now. I encourage him to always take them for what it is, after exerting all possible solutions. When we’ve got none, then we resort to “what can we learn from this”. I teach all my kids the same thing; for every action comes consequence. This applies more to my son, because he’s the oldest and he’s in school, so he has more experience with social experiences. It’s tough for him at times, and I wish I could just bear it all for him, and deal with it all for him. But he is a growing boy, and there are things he has to learn for himself. Whether that means, dealing with it the best way he thinks at the time and still having it be a mistake. Then we deal with it, as it comes. It’s tough being a teacher about life, when you’ve had such a different upbringing.
  4. Treats: Anyday
    I don’t have a strict routine on taking adventures or going out. I usually just go when I want to go. This means, I take my kids with me. Most of the time these sporadic trips are really more for them than me, but it makes me happy. For example, yesterday I was overwhelmed and not feeling too well. Apollo had gone to a birthday party, which J drove him to. The girls and I stayed home. The girls were supposed to have been napping. Only one of them did. So the other, watched t.v. with me. She was of course miserable after missing that nap. Well soon after, Apollo and J returned. Apollo obviously had a loot bag, and my two year old would obviously become jealous for having cool stuff in a bag. So I decided to take her to Party City, on a shopping spree of 0.40c toys and candies she can fit in their little tiny baskets. She was super happy, and excited. She listened the whole time we were in the store! Oh and when I said, “not that one” or “that one is too expensive”, she calmly responded, “Okay mom”. That experience meant to me more than the fact that I was spoiling her. That she had to have a loot bag, even though she didn’t go to a birthday party. But she got her siblings something too, which I thought was sweet! So these moments, call for no appointments in my calendar. I usually just go whenever I feel like my kids deserve a small joys. It could be a trip to the dollarstore, for one item each. The smiles in those moments, make my heart flutter and it’s the best weakness I have for my kids.
  5. I Always Know Where it is
    I’m pretty sure all moms have this in common, we are always the ones who are supposed to keep track of everything, for everyone. It can get pretty challenging and annoying having to be the go-to person for everything.

    “I don’t actually always know where it is, but I think I’ve seen it”, is my motto.

    I have a photographic memory of everything in my house. I can recall where an item is, by memory even though I don’t need to know. Ok, I don’t spend all day trying to memorize things, I just sort of store it in my head and when someone is looking for something, I can direct them easily to it. It’s a gift, it’s a curse, whichever, I always know where it is!

 

We all have things we’re really good at that helps everyone in our little family to get the ball going, we all #RockMotherhood!

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I’d like to nominate these awesome mommies who also happen to be my other favourite bloggers, so they can too share how they’re #RockingMotherhood:

Tiffany (Shortsweetmom), Kristin (PrettyLoved), Ant (Ourcookery), and Dedreanna (Adventures at Home).

 

MM, out!

13

28, Three Kids and Postpartum Depression

One Day Can Be

 

“The anger is starting to rise, I could feel my blood boiling and starting to overflow. I could feel my heart racing. It’s so fast, not in a good way. I’m starting to struggle to breathe. I’m so mad, I’m so angry, I can’t help it. I feel like im drowning. 

*Deep Breath*

I don’t know why I got so mad. I don’t know why I was screaming with all my might. I feel terrible! They must think I’m the worst mom in the world. My poor babies, they dont understand what mommy’s going through. It’s not their fault. I’m a terrible mother. Who have I become? Why am I always so angry? 

Ugh, my body hurts. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have to get Arty & Cassi ready to take Apollo to school. But everything hurts. I have to get Apollo up. I have to get his lunch ready, his breakfast. I wonder what he’ll have. I don’t want to get up. Ouch, my back really hurt. Ugh, my head hurts. Man, I have to get everyone dressed for outside. Carry them all to the car. The sun is hurting my eyes and my head even more. My body is in so much pain. 

Its 330, Apollo wants a friend over. No! I don’t want anyone over. I don’t want to have to tend to another child. My heart is racing again. I can’t breathe. What happened? Where did this come from? Why is this happening to me? Ugh, I got so mad about something so normal. He just wanted a friend over. 

I can’t stand all the running around and the screaming. STOP! They’re kids, they run, they laugh. Why am I upset? 

*I start to cry* I can’t stop! It hurts so much. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. Make it all stop! I don’t want to be here. I wanna disappear. I don’t want to hurt my kids anymore. I’m always just upset. I don’t want to make it harder on J. He’ll be fine without me. He loves our kids. He’ll find the strength.”


This is me, on a really bad day. 

Having Postpartum Depression

 

This is an okay day for someone dealing with Postpartum Depression. It gets much worst. Uncontrollable crying, crying for no reason, can’t deal with tasks that used to be done before, irrational behaviour, paranoid, OCD, anxiety, can’t sleep, no appetite, you want to eat everything, distant, irritable, all bottled into one.

Women with PPD goes through it differently than the next. Women with PPD are not weak. Women with PPD are not bad mothers. Women with PPD are not incapable. Women with PPD struggle deeply. Women with PPD shouldn’t be blamed for an illness they did not choose or expect to have.

I received a letter from the school last month, that Apollo has missed a total of 33 days and 7 lates. It’s how I knew something was wrong. I had never had him away from school so much before since he started his academic journey. Aside from really sick-days, he always got to school. It wasn’t so much the lates that bothered me, but the fact that I was feeling these things so hard, I was losing to it. I was upset. More with myself, for being so weak to put my child first. 

 

“You could be the strongest person emotionally, but having PPD erases that.”

 

Acknowledging Something is Wrong

I had recently just found out I am dealing with this sickness. I don’t know everything about it because reading about it gives me anxiety. I’ve had it for a while probably during my pregnancy with the second one. You don’t notice it and relate it to stress because you’re too busy carrying on. Having children isn’t the cause of this. It’s more than that.

I still don’t know how to cope. I still don’t understand how to deal with it. But I try with all of me everyday for my family. It isn’t one day it’s good and it’s gone. It lingers. It sneaks up. It’s always there.

I got the consultation done to confirm it by another doctor, a female one. She also recommended I speak to our family doctor. I was afraid to see our family physician. He’s a male doctor. As much as he is more than qualified to diagnose me and provide options for help. I felt like as a woman he couldn’t understand what it meant. He’s seen me time and time before, with all the kids in tow. He’s noticed I struggled to get through the appointment with my children being challneging. I didn’t want him to deem me incapable of motherhood. I didn’t want him to deem me unfit to take care of my children, worst maybe get my children taken away. But men go through this as well.

 

Getting Help 

We finally seen the doctor. Telling him had me in tears. My anxiety had the best of me. I was so afraid to tell him. I felt so defeated. I felt so embarrassed. Here I am, asking for help because I can’t deal with this on my own. But I’m a mom. I’m supposed to be strong! No, postpartum “does not discriminate”. It doesn’t matter who you are. This comes in and takes all of you for a spin of torment and pain.

He offered options of help. Therapy; asking family or friends to help for a month; getting a babysitter twice a week so J and I can focus on ourselves; medication to ease the struggle.

“Medication won’t erase your daily tasks, or potential triggers, but it will help to ease the moments where you’re overcome with anxiety and everything in between.”

This is me, on an ‘okay’ day.  I don’t always have make-up help to make me look a lot better than I feel.

 


The Battle Continues

I have a ways to go. It is far from over. I have years of this I never dealt with. So day-by-day my family battles through this. Days get hard. Hard for everyone, and not just me. But I’m determined, we’re determined to get through this and that’s what counts.

One day is different from the next. I can’t call it to change the fate of the day, but I have help to get me through it, until I can find the strength to be stronger than this sickness. I have support from J, who never ceases to give me strength and be my strength when all of it is hard. I know it’s difficult on him. I know he feels helpless. I know he wishes he could take this from me. But only time will swallow this thing up. My kids swell my heart with love. Their smile, their laughter, their presence gives me strength. They are the very reason I want to get better. They are the very reason I want to find my way back to living.

 

 

“If you or anyone you know who is a mother, or a father (it doesn’t matter if the baby is a year or seven years old, this happens) seem to show a change in behaviour please see your doctor. Do not disregard it as hormones or being new parents. 

It happens to anyone, and is never expected. “



 

MM, out! 

16

H.K., CO 

I have recently in the last couple of months made a conscious decision to participate in groups on facebook. There are a ton of communities that form on there on the daily, to help you in so many ways.

I opted to join a mommy group where all moms in the world gather to share their feelings, struggles, jokes, videos, life, experieces, and so forth. It allows women from all walks of life to meet, help one another digitally, and even get to know other women from the same location as them. 


I had posted a comment on the group wall, to share my struggle with my mom doubts. To keep it short, I received a ton of good suggestions, advice and even some that were downright judgemental and rude. But like everything in life, you take it with a grain of salt. 
I am writing today to let you know that in these experiences we choose to take-on digitally, you sometimes find a person or two who epitomizes the definition of humble, sweet, loving, and kind. 

I am sharing with you about a woman I met over this mommy group who I’ll call, H.K. In the last few weeks that I have gotten to know her (yes, we added each other as friends), she has proved to be more of a friend to me than a random person you stumbled upon in person.

 

It’s strange to see how friendships can be made online with people you’ve never met.


But she is so open, so kind in all she says, that it would have been an opportunity lost in making long-distance friendships (i dont know if she thinks we’re friends now), but i certainly feel she’s a good person to be digitally friends with and if ever in person. 

You all probably think I’m crazy for being so trusting. But the thing is, in the time we live in, everyone fends for themselves. Everyone jumps in a cage full of beasts that attack the minute you step-in. There are reasons we all have why we seek communities as such. It’s been a huge thing in the last several years to connect with people from all over the world. So what’s the fear?

 

No one ever trusts anyone, anymore. 

H.K., participates in this mommy group full-time. I see her comments on most of the post on there and she is nothing but always kind. She stands up for people. She isn’t afraid to lead with kindness above all things. She spews out love in all her comments, support, and understanding. And she shares the most uplifting experiences of motherhood.

I often see inconsistency in the commentators on there who participate full-time. Sometimes they’re positive, sometimes they’re judgemental. Well, not H.K.

I share this because this is the type of values we should share in the world. For women to have each others back NO MATTER WHAT! It is hard enough already to go through motherhood, without a book. But to find other women who will take on this journey with you with support, kindness, love, makes this journey a little bit easier. It allows one mother to bounce off ideas, doubts, and concerns with another and find common ground to help each other, even if it’s just emotionally. 

Is that not amazing? 

Have any of you connected with other moms out there? 

MM, out! 

13

My Open-letter to J <3

It has been very challenging for us lately. I don’t know if ‘challenging’ even comes close to expressing what we’re going through. The turbulence in our life as of late has us, struggling to figure our way through, but I know we’ll get through it because I have you. 

You have been my strength lately, the crutch that gets me through the day, the voice that sees me through the moments. You’re the creases that form my smile, the laughter in my sorrow. You’re the reassurance in my doubts, the comfort in my falls. You’re the one who heals my heart when its broken, and the life that continues to give when mine is low. 

Thank you for being there. Thank you for being silent when all is loud. Thank you for the constant reminder that in all of this, I always have you.


MM, out!