Before I begin this entry, let me be the first to tell you that while most of my entries appear to be very personal and almost pitiful..the intention of what I share isn’t to influence your negative feelings or request your negative rants in response to how this may allow you to feel.
I have taken these honest views of my life so that others who may find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in these real, life matter ‘situations’.
As I was…
Yesterday was Fathers Day. We celebrated this event with my father- in-law since we’ve been in Toronto staying with them since last Tuesday, and we would be heading home a few hours after this. It was your usual, cater to the Dads day. While I sat at the dining table having brunch with the family, I couldn’t help but wonder if I should call my Dad. He is after all, a dad nonetheless even if not biologically.
As I continued to think what my calls would bring about or if he would even answer, the thought began to disappear. It began to feel more like a chore and not from the heart.
I used to have the same sweet messages that most ‘child-of-someone’ had written and shared yesterday.
But..in the last few years I’ve accepted that I’m no longer anyone’s child, and I no longer have a father that cares to be one. I merely have one now, just to say I’m still his adopted daughter because that can’t be changed, and vice versa.
I realize that in moments like these in my life, I’ve learned to turn off the emotion one is to feel about these types of things. I felt no ways about Fathers day. I only felt that my children should show their father appreciation everyday for loving them like no other. I felt my husband should convey to his dad whatever it is to let him know he loves him. But I..well, it was just another day. Just like mothers day. I expected nothing and the day went on like any other.
Perhaps that part of me that envied others for the things and relationships they have which I’ll never be able to understand, have learned to switch itself off. I used to cry about it. I used to be so jealous. And now..as these days pass without a thought, the easier it gets for my heart to block it off. I’ve lost all emotions. My heat is as stiff as it gets. My mind, it’s taught itself to forget.
One day I’ll figure this part of me out. Until then..let’s keep going.