no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015

  One thought on “no streams

  1. Amanda Appiagyei
    April 4, 2017 at 10:45 am

    Oh this is beautifully written, I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much sadness x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. April 2, 2017 at 7:16 pm

    Thank you for this beautiful post. It must’ve been hard what you went through and what it took to get past those things. It makes a lot of courage to write about it and share it with people.

    Like

  3. April 1, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    Very beautifully written. As a mother, I have given up everything for my children at times and couldn’t imagine them not being in my life. Though you have a hole there eats at you, you have obviously benefited one thing. Your love and commitment towards your own children. When you start feeling down, focus on those babies and look to God above. You’re children are going to grow up to be amazing adults because the love you are showing them!

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 1, 2017 at 8:11 pm

      Thank you so much! That comforts me. I try to really love them with all of me so that theyd never feel an ounce of emptiness that I felt growing up. Its a battle..its hard at times. But God loves me. God loves my children and there’s no greater love.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. March 31, 2017 at 11:25 pm

    This is beautifully written – the heartache is palpable. May you never experience such sadness again.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. March 31, 2017 at 10:12 pm

    Reading this is heartbreaking. I don’t know the context or anything about your story but I hope that you can find it in you to give the benefit of the doubt — that maybe the decision to leave was for your benefit, despite how hard that is to reconcile. I pray you find peace. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 31, 2017 at 10:33 pm

      Thank you! The good out of that is now I have my own family. I love my children with all of me. I love them so hard, so that they’ll never feel an ounce of what I did as a child.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. March 31, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    So sorry you had to go through that! You’re a stronger mom because of it xo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. March 31, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    This is heartbreaking! I’m so sorry you went through this. Once you become a parent, it’s so hard to imagine how anyone could just leave their child; what frame of mind they would possibly have to be in to even be capable of such a thing. Find strength in knowing that you’ll be an even stronger, better mother for it – let it empower you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 31, 2017 at 4:20 pm

      Thank you for your kindness. Its tough at times and times where i feel i dont need reference to be a mom. Its a challenge at times mostly events and soon my wedding. But i carry on.

      Like

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