It weighs less to stop thinking too much 

I’ve often found my past to be a neusance. It appears in moments like a puzzled film. It captures the state of my current heart only to fracture what I’ve managed to heal back together. I often like to dwell in pretending I’m some kind of superhero who can heal myself, with whatever kind of wounds that ceases my being in times when I’m strong. And one thing that always breaks me down; in moments of their weakness are my children.

I thought about the instances I’ve recently found myself in. Moments that wiggle themselves out from negative vibes. More recently it seems, I’ve a harder time finding the patience, understanding and courage to assess what’s happening with my son. He sits at number seven, and finds himself in the state of ‘bad to the bone’. I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ what’s being broken. Perhaps, I’m losing sight at the strands of what breaks him. Perhaps my visions are what needs fixing rather than catching only what he breaks. 

My son is the most sweetest, kindest, purest heart I’ve ever come to know (with the exception of my two girls who share this heart). His smile, it literally lifts you up from the pits of darkness one has managed to find themselves imprisoned in. His love for fun, intimidates ones very being because, sometimes when you’ve transformed into an adult, you lose your sense of innocence. I find its harder for me to sift through my chaos, to connect with him in his state of cognitive process. 

Tonight, a fellow blogger (@mikemadigan) made me see things in a different tone. 

It’s been stated many times before, ‘being a mother is hard’. It’s even more difficult when you’ve got demons you’ve yet to face. Perhaps what holds me back are my annoying fears, that like to sneak up to remind me I’ve got changes to stamp in the present, so that tomorrow may not sting as much. What I don’t realize is how much my vision of tomorrow, breaks my present time. 

We could all use a little less thinking and a little more feeling.

After all, those are the basis in which my son mostly functions in. I’ve forgotten to feel, so much so, he’s slowly drifting from me.  My very fear in being a mother. 

I shall stop blaming my past, and work on the now. My son deserves better! 

I’m hungry. It’s too late to snack. Tomorrow I’ve an hour of spare with Pami. I’m taking her for a drive again.
xo, MM

  One thought on “It weighs less to stop thinking too much 

  1. April 15, 2017 at 10:00 am

    You’re right-it’s not easy. I think everyone has demons to deal wtih-even those “perfect” parents who will never admit it

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melissa D
    April 14, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    I think that those of us with crummy parents maybe struggle with the idea of “screwing up” our kids more than the average parent. At least, I know I’m more aware of it than my husband–he’s a great dad and really moves by instinct. I need to be better about not overthinking every parenting decision I make!

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 14, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      I totally agree.. im so glad im not the only one who’s like this!

      Like

  3. April 14, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    I ve read your posts and i know (atleast a little) your demons. But you know what mommy. You are you. And you are awesome. You don’t need to overcompensate for your past. You just need to be there for him NOW. Today matters. Tomorrow too. But the past. Not as much.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. April 14, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    It sounds like you’re doing a great job, mama! Some days are harder than others. Keep doing your best for your son and it will all work out for the best 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. novasdad
    July 7, 2016 at 10:48 am

    I see how you said the vision of tomorrow mess up your present. That is true, usually when I start beating myself up, it is from worrying about the future out come of my situation. I find it best to deal with the day and think of my plans for the day. Taking it one day at a time is what has help me over come many things. Thanks for the post MM. hope things are well and continue to go well for you and your family. You’ll be ok. Just like you tell me “YOUR DOING GREAT!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 7, 2016 at 10:50 am

      Thanks! Sometimes this parenting thing just gets too confusing. You wanna do the best for your child(ren), but sometimes logic and love are on two separate spectrum. Ugh..its all a learning process. Hopefully I don’t screw them up. 😑

      Like

      • novasdad
        July 7, 2016 at 10:54 am

        I believe in you 🙂 👍

        Liked by 1 person

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