When Peanut Butter hits the fan

It has been quite hard on J and me lately. We’ve found ourselves misunderstanding each other, and unable to find the string that connects us. It’s not rare for these moments to occur, especially when you’re parenting three kids, tending to life on the daily, and crossing off responsibilities on the constant. It’s very hard for J and me to have a moment alone. We don’t ever get the chance to go on dates, alone, or have a moment to hear ourselves converse. It gets tricky when you have children (I’m sure you can all relate to this).

Well? What happens when you’ve had just enough of parenting, and you try to find each other through the dirt, the mess, and the chaos of being parents? You sometimes don’t. So I guess, that’s what’s happening with us. We’re getting all our times mixed-up, and our priorities for each other lost.

I miss him. I see him everyday. We don’t ever get to cuddle anymore. The kids are always occupying the space between us. I wanna tell him secrets. The kids will hear. I miss holding him, as I fall asleep. Arty’s taken my spot, and the arm I used to cling to.

He mentioned we should get a babysitter or a nanny, so we could go out. I spent ten minutes after that telling him with anxiety how terrible I feel about it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids with a stranger, because I want a moment to myself. That’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m willing to give up. I feel like the juggle can only be done by me. The feeling of leaving the kids with a total stranger, just boggles my mind. I couldn’t. What if something happens to my babies? Why shouldn’t I be the first to be there, if they ever got hurt. What if that stranger is bad? Ugh. What am I willing to give up for a couple of ours of J & M-time?

My heart feels a little heavy lately. I can’t seem to find the string that connects J and me. It bothers me because we’re important too.

Any words of wisdom?

 

xo, MM