A thou’sand or more

Most moms are sleep deprived, its said to be the most historic accesory of motherhood. If you are not sleep deprived then obviously you’re not doing motherhood justice. 

I have embraced this accesory since the first day of motherhood for me. I tried to fight the trend, but there’s no winning it. You kind of just succumb into not sleeping, because the irregular heart beat of your baby is so nerve wracking that you literally stay up all night checking their heart and breathing in intervals of 5 mins. Your mind has become imprisoned to it. Its captured the soul of your brain into thinking limitless amounts of worries and anxiety about ‘what ifs’. 

Motherhood is a chaotic gift, all wrapped into one. 

It seems lately that I have been trying to prove sleep deprivation with a rebellious protest, weighing in on it as if I welcomed insomnia. While the girls and everyone else in my house, have drifted into sleep and no one no longer requires my existence, I find myself sitting-up unable to sleep, scrolling through the mount of heart break the world is going through. You’ve a ton to choose from, all plastered on social networks trying to promote the awareness that the world hurts. 

I wont get into politics, because I know not much to take sides. What I do know is, fear is the root of most it. What you don’t know, you should not make risks for. 

There are a variety of conclusions to support these ‘acts’ that have steered away from compassion, love, and understanding. But we are human after all, and the truth is the falter of our kind is rooted from fear.

Well..here’s  me on fear.

I have lost most of my intention to keep myself taken care of. Whatever that means. I dont know when was the last time, I appreciated the glance of myself in the mirror that I managed to sneak-in while brushing my teeth, in the morning or during the time I pretend to know how to care for my skin at night..

Perhaps im being all sad-like, because Arty isn’t well. I noticed this a.m. she struggled to get up to get ready to take her brother to school. My routine of “good morning sunshine” and “good morning train” didn’t even have her flinch. The line of “arty wanna take your kuya (big brother) to school” didn’t even get a response. I knew she must have been exhausted. Nap time was off, she wouldn’t settle down. I took them for a ride to get them to sleep..it worked for less than 30 mins. I don’t know what’s happening. Well just as dinner rolled-in, there she sat on the couch quietly, flushed with droopy eyes the way you get when you’re not well, and nose so runny she’s ran out of dry spaces in her hand to wipe it off with. I’d eventually save her with a sheet of soft like pillows kleenex. And all was right again in her world. 

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…a sick child is the worst thing about parenthood. Its that endless worry, and helpless feeling you get that last about three days, or at least you hope only lasts that long. It’s the worry that eats out at you, and twists your stomach with feeling of guilt and blame on what you didn’t do right to avoid illness of any sort. That’s part of my fears..being so complacent with my day-to-day routine and nothing is ever accordingly. 

My biggest fear is not being the mother I need to be for my kids. 

Tomorrow requires me to take Apollo out of school; it seems true that being absent effects your memorization. I know he says that this is the first time hes had social study and science tests. He received level 2 on them instead of his usual level 4 on math test. Why this matter so much, because he’s that type of kid who reveals part of his genius through repetitive training and consistent attendance. So thats my fault. It’s also my downfall, because I haven’t been able to keep up with him. I’ve trusted he’s responsible enough to study well when there’s a test, and I’ve slacked on being supportive with that. 

Anyway..i lost it. Ill get back to you. 🤔