28, Three Kids and Postpartum Depression

One Day Can Be

 

“The anger is starting to rise, I could feel my blood boiling and starting to overflow. I could feel my heart racing. It’s so fast, not in a good way. I’m starting to struggle to breathe. I’m so mad, I’m so angry, I can’t help it. I feel like im drowning. 

*Deep Breath*

I don’t know why I got so mad. I don’t know why I was screaming with all my might. I feel terrible! They must think I’m the worst mom in the world. My poor babies, they dont understand what mommy’s going through. It’s not their fault. I’m a terrible mother. Who have I become? Why am I always so angry? 

Ugh, my body hurts. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have to get Arty & Cassi ready to take Apollo to school. But everything hurts. I have to get Apollo up. I have to get his lunch ready, his breakfast. I wonder what he’ll have. I don’t want to get up. Ouch, my back really hurt. Ugh, my head hurts. Man, I have to get everyone dressed for outside. Carry them all to the car. The sun is hurting my eyes and my head even more. My body is in so much pain. 

Its 330, Apollo wants a friend over. No! I don’t want anyone over. I don’t want to have to tend to another child. My heart is racing again. I can’t breathe. What happened? Where did this come from? Why is this happening to me? Ugh, I got so mad about something so normal. He just wanted a friend over. 

I can’t stand all the running around and the screaming. STOP! They’re kids, they run, they laugh. Why am I upset? 

*I start to cry* I can’t stop! It hurts so much. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. Make it all stop! I don’t want to be here. I wanna disappear. I don’t want to hurt my kids anymore. I’m always just upset. I don’t want to make it harder on J. He’ll be fine without me. He loves our kids. He’ll find the strength.”


This is me, on a really bad day. 

Having Postpartum Depression

 

This is an okay day for someone dealing with Postpartum Depression. It gets much worst. Uncontrollable crying, crying for no reason, can’t deal with tasks that used to be done before, irrational behaviour, paranoid, OCD, anxiety, can’t sleep, no appetite, you want to eat everything, distant, irritable, all bottled into one.

Women with PPD goes through it differently than the next. Women with PPD are not weak. Women with PPD are not bad mothers. Women with PPD are not incapable. Women with PPD struggle deeply. Women with PPD shouldn’t be blamed for an illness they did not choose or expect to have.

I received a letter from the school last month, that Apollo has missed a total of 33 days and 7 lates. It’s how I knew something was wrong. I had never had him away from school so much before since he started his academic journey. Aside from really sick-days, he always got to school. It wasn’t so much the lates that bothered me, but the fact that I was feeling these things so hard, I was losing to it. I was upset. More with myself, for being so weak to put my child first. 

 

“You could be the strongest person emotionally, but having PPD erases that.”

 

Acknowledging Something is Wrong

I had recently just found out I am dealing with this sickness. I don’t know everything about it because reading about it gives me anxiety. I’ve had it for a while probably during my pregnancy with the second one. You don’t notice it and relate it to stress because you’re too busy carrying on. Having children isn’t the cause of this. It’s more than that.

I still don’t know how to cope. I still don’t understand how to deal with it. But I try with all of me everyday for my family. It isn’t one day it’s good and it’s gone. It lingers. It sneaks up. It’s always there.

I got the consultation done to confirm it by another doctor, a female one. She also recommended I speak to our family doctor. I was afraid to see our family physician. He’s a male doctor. As much as he is more than qualified to diagnose me and provide options for help. I felt like as a woman he couldn’t understand what it meant. He’s seen me time and time before, with all the kids in tow. He’s noticed I struggled to get through the appointment with my children being challenging. I didn’t want him to deem me incapable of motherhood. I didn’t want him to deem me unfit to take care of my children, worst maybe get my children taken away. But men go through this as well.

 

Getting Help 

We finally seen the doctor. Telling him had me in tears. My anxiety had the best of me. I was so afraid to tell him. I felt so defeated. I felt so embarrassed. Here I am, asking for help because I can’t deal with this on my own. But I’m a mom. I’m supposed to be strong! No, postpartum “does not discriminate”. It doesn’t matter who you are. This comes in and takes all of you for a spin of torment and pain.

He offered options of help. Therapy; asking family or friends to help for a month; getting a babysitter twice a week so J and I can focus on ourselves; medication to ease the struggle.

“Medication won’t erase your daily tasks, or potential triggers, but it will help to ease the moments where you’re overcome with anxiety and everything in between.”

This is me, on an ‘okay’ day.  I don’t always have make-up help to make me look a lot better than I feel.

 


The Battle Continues

I have a ways to go. It is far from over. I have years of this I never dealt with. So day-by-day my family battles through this. Days get hard. Hard for everyone, and not just me. But I’m determined, we’re determined to get through this and that’s what counts.

One day is different from the next. I can’t call it to change the fate of the day, but I have help to get me through it, until I can find the strength to be stronger than this sickness. I have support from J, who never ceases to give me strength and be my strength when all of it is hard. I know it’s difficult on him. I know he feels helpless. I know he wishes he could take this from me. But only time will swallow this thing up. My kids swell my heart with love. Their smile, their laughter, their presence gives me strength. They are the very reason I want to get better. They are the very reason I want to find my way back to living.

 

 

“If you or anyone you know who is a mother, or a father (it doesn’t matter if the baby is a year or seven years old, this happens) seem to show a change in behaviour please see your doctor. Do not disregard it as hormones or being new parents. 

It happens to anyone, and is never expected. “



 

MM, out! 

  One thought on “28, Three Kids and Postpartum Depression

  1. Pingback: I,Mommy
  2. May 3, 2017 at 2:42 pm

    Hey, thanks a ton for your honesty here! It can be such a fake world out there, so this is appreciated!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. April 28, 2017 at 12:08 pm

    I loved this post!!! PPD is so real!! we need to make it so moms feel comfortable talking about it and not the shame that they feel! Thanks so much for sharing your story!!

    Like

  4. April 28, 2017 at 11:58 am

    You are a brave and courageous woman for sharing this struggle you’re going through. I admire your way of looking at the situation and facing the problems the best way you can. I’m not yet a mother but I can see how it’s not all roses, some mothers really sruggle with issues like this. I wish you all the best and congratulations on your blog! Keep living life with your chin high and positiveness 🙂

    Like

  5. Kim
    April 28, 2017 at 11:55 am

    Oh my! I pray this gets better for everyone suffering.

    Like

  6. April 28, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Thanks so much for sharing this! So many of us try to hide post partum depression without realizing that it is okay to reach out for help! You taking the time to share this will surely help others do the same.

    Like

  7. April 1, 2017 at 1:40 pm

    This is such a great post. I love how honest you are discussing post partum depression. I think a lot of moms are afraid to mention it for fear that people will imply they cant handle parenthood. PPD is a real issue and it doesn’t mean you are any less of a mom for experiencing it. I had it with both of my daughters. Without help I wouldn’t have gotten better. Thank you for linking this post to the #allformamas link party. I have added a new facebook group for the link party and would love for you to join it https://www.facebook.com/groups/276562626115637/ I will be sharing your post there and on pinterest 🙂

    Like

  8. March 31, 2017 at 10:11 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Many women don’t realize they have PPD, and think it’s just normal after having a baby. I’ve always had anxiety, and had some PTSD after the traumatic birth of my twins. Getting help is the best thing. I’m so glad you did!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. March 30, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    I have had several moms I am close with go through this. It is so real, so confusing and so hard! You got this! Keep pushing though! You are such a strong momma! Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ashrupp
    March 29, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    So raw. What an important story to tell. So many women struggle with PPD. I’ve had at least a handful of friends who’ve suffered and I had no idea until well after the fact. Hopefully your sharing will help women like them, and women like me to ask how they are doing more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 29, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      Thank you! Its such a shame that so many women suffer in silence because its a very hard sickness to overcome. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

      Like

  11. March 29, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Thanks for being brace enough to share this. I struggled with ppd, and I remember feeling like I was the only one-wish I’d had this post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 29, 2017 at 10:17 am

      Thank you for being so kind! It was a hard and scary decision to share. I was afraid to open up about it. But i felt like keeping to myself, my husband and my kids was too hard. They need support too and I had to really be selfless and take this on. It would only win over me if I kept feeling afraid and lonely. I hope you’re doing well.

      Liked by 1 person

      • March 29, 2017 at 10:42 am

        I found myself again and came out of it ok. Next time I’ll be reaching out sooner if I’m feeling those emotions. I’m sure you sharing this helped someone going through this to ask for help. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • March 29, 2017 at 10:43 am

        I hope so. Its hard feeling alone. Its hard not knowing whats happening to yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

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