How My Postpartum Depression Affects My Son

13724996_10154232062885619_2472382490249394093_o

 

This post is probably going to make you feel all sorts of things. It’s probably going to make you want to judge me on how cruel or mean I am as a mom. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to understand how this is a struggle for me, something that breaks my heart on the daily, something I have felt so guilty and have cried an ocean about. But I’m going to share this with you, because I don’t think many people understand the extent or the vastness of Postpartum Depression and how it effects the actual person and the people she loves the most. 

 

My Son

14608759_10154478738820619_1236854987720711781_o.jpg

 

My son is eight. When I first had him, I was twenty-one. I remember the day I went into labour, and feeling afraid. Apollo being my first child, I was afraid of how it was all going to happen. If I could do it. If I was prepared to give birth to a baby. If I was prepared to have a child. All the things you’re supposed to have thought about prior, came flooding in and all I could think about was, “WHY DIDN’T I READ THOSE BABY BOOKS?!” As if I was gonna find the drugs to ease the pain from labour, or get the doctor who needs to administer the epidural out of the operation room faster, because by the time I opted for epidural I was already exhausted from the contractions.

This isn’t a birth story, so lets fast forward to after he was finally sucked out of my hoo-ha to help me get him out, because I sure was not going to have a c-section. I made sure of that, I’m pretty sure I yelled that to the doctor! “Get this baby out of my vagina, however you need to, as long as it comes out from down there and not my stomach!”

1934679_78997740618_2158590_n

He ended up having a fever after he came out, he didn’t even cry. Such a brave boy! I didn’t even know he was out, until my mother-in-law said, “Why are you still crying, he’s already over there!” I had felt so exhausted from it all, I couldn’t deal with how I felt about the guilt that my child ended up with a cone head because of the vacuums’ suction, or the fact that he has a fever now, because I ended up getting a fever towards the end of my delivery. How my weakness transferred to my son, and how he was going to spend the rest of his life having this bad trait from me.

Apollo Kai

“As Bright as The Sun and as Deep as The Ocean”

16825930_10154900799985619_3346567579664782155_o.jpg

The focus of this post is to share with you how my postpartum depression experience has effected Apollo the most, in comparison to his sisters who are too young to understand or to allow the effects to consume them. It isn’t to say that it hasn’t effected anyone in my house less, but I feel like my postpartum depression has effected my relationship with Apollo the most, since it began before he had any siblings.

 

899529_10151757226920619_1029443967_o.jpg

Apollo is the sweetest boy, he is kind, gentle-hearted, loving, fun, rambunctious, hyper, helpful, sensitive, and likes to keep his emotions to himself.

 

It has been super hard coping with postpartum depression, even with the medication the doctor has prescribed (It has yet to work, or not working at all), one in which I can only take when there is another adult to watch the kids because it makes me super sleepy and tired. Well I don’t ever get to use that one because I am never with another adult until around six in the evening or later. So during the day when my anxiety is high and unmanageable, I cannot take anything to help me take the edge off. We have no family and friends around to help because they are all three and a half hours away.

Before I acknowledged or even figured out something was wrong with me, I had spent the last few years feeling like I hated my son, because of the way I treated him. I was easy to anger, easy to yell, every little thing upset me. My OCD effected the way I mothered him, constantly on him for every little thing. “Pick-up your sweater!” “Stop jumping all over the place!” “Calm down!” And slowly it would make us drift.

 

“Do I not love him the same, anymore?”

 

1553268_10152163942205619_489589536_o

Slowly our relationship struggled. I was always upset with him. He was always in trouble at school from not being able to socially align his personality (he’s medically assessed to be a gifted child) with the way other children are. I was always yelling at him for everything!

I wasn’t doing any better being the way I was with him. I could recall how I would cry and stand up for him when we were having trouble at school when he was in Kindergarten. I remember I would remind him how he wasn’t the problem and that the school was. Then that shifted a bit before Arty (my second child) was born.

 

I would cry every time I lost it with him. The guilt would over power me and I would drift into this hole, that even I can’t figure a way out of. I hated myself. I hated that I wasn’t the mom I used to be. I hated that the way I loved him changed. I hate that every little thing was so hard. I hated that I could no longer connect with my son.

“I hated that I was a terrible mother!”

 

I love him more than anything in this world! This, I know! This, I feel. But it feels like however Postpartum Depression is effecting me, it’s making my love for Apollo weak. Weak enough, that I am not the mom he used to adore! I am no longer the mom that would give him the benefit of the doubt first, who would never second-guess him, who never had an ounce of distrust! I stood up for him, no matter what! I cried for him, when he was sad, and he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

 

12885879_10153985907285619_6613783370144637750_o

NOW…
It feels like, he’s drifted from me. It feels like he doesn’t have to talk to me about anything at all because I won’t listen, or I’m always too busy, or I’m always upset. He no longer sits with me and cuddles me, because he feels like I’m so cold to him. He no longer hugs me with sincerity because he feels I’ve changed. He no longer gives me kisses, because kisses mean you have a connection.

17632129_1256443084440507_8519125354517050411_o (1)

Postpartum Depression is the worst thing I have ever experienced as a mother. It effects every bit of you. You cannot control it. You cannot just make it go away. AS MUCH, as you tell yourself to get yourself together and stop it, YOU CAN’T! It effects you emotionally and physically. It effects the people you love the most. It effects your decision making, it effects your mood, it effects your happiness, IT EFFECTS WHO YOU ARE! I don’t know how else to explain how Postpartum Depression has changed me. Or how much it has effected my family, especially my son. 

But, What I do know is this…
I will get through this. Postpartum Depression will not have me, forever. Postpartum Depression will not take me away from my son, no matter how much it tears me apart. Postpartum Depression will not break my relationship(s) to point, where I cannot get them back. I will fight with all of me, to get better and beat this thing! I will do whatever it takes to fix my relationship with my son, with so much love, that this thing cannot find a loop hole in. I will fight this! I will take my soul back!

 

13775892_10154228779170619_8314507883868187473_n

I.LOVE.YOU. MORE THAN IT SEEMS, MORE THAN IT WEIGHS, MORE THAN MY LIFE.  I WILL GET US BACK!

 

 

 

MM, out!

  One thought on “How My Postpartum Depression Affects My Son

  1. May 15, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    That is a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing that with #offfridays. I did a similar post over on my blog but didn’t go into my detail about my PPD. I did and said things that I am still deeply ashamed of. But I am past that now and ready to move on from medication. I hope that one day soon you will be able to move past your PPD and have a close relationship with your son again. XO

    Like

  2. Flying Food Ninja
    April 27, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Such a detailed story. Thanks for sharing…it can’t be easy ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. April 26, 2017 at 5:09 pm

    I’m so glad you’re writing about how PPMD has affected your son. It’s more common than people think.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. April 26, 2017 at 12:24 pm

    I really empathize in so many ways. The guilt over some serious issues at the end of my pregnancy also sent me into a terrible tailspin of ppd with my first. She’s four now and I no longer deal with ppd but now just the usual bipolar I was before, but it’s been incredibly manageable. I lose my temper but what mother doesn’t have her breaking points??? Who, sitting home all day alone with the chaos of kids wouldn’t have severe anxiety or become easily frustrated? I do still have days…like yesterday… that when it is all said and done, the kids are in bed I just curl into a ball and cry.

    I just wanted to say it’s okay, you are not alone, and you it will all be okay.

    Like

  5. April 26, 2017 at 11:19 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs to you and your babies. I hope you can find what you works for you, so that you can begin to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. April 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    You are a beautiful strong mama. Thank you again and again for sharing your story.
    And, just so you know, ALL vaginal delivery babies are born with cone heads 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 28, 2017 at 10:14 am

      Lol cone heads from vaginal delivery reminds me of the movie cone heads hahaha

      Like

      • elizabethbrico
        May 13, 2017 at 4:06 pm

        Haha we are alllll coneheads!! Thank you for adding this beautiful post to the #mentalillnessblogshare ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • May 13, 2017 at 4:13 pm

        Thank you for always offering a platform to bring awareness to this! 😚

        Liked by 1 person

  7. April 18, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    this is very brave and we need more mother’s willing to share their story and admit this.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. April 17, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    You are so courageous. It’s such a misunderstood subject, because nobody speaks out. Thank you so much for sharing, you are helping to change the conversation x

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:51 pm

      Thank you! Its a very difficult illness to deal with. Your mind and emotions are so out of whack. Its hard for everyone. I hope it strengthens others who are dealing with PPD or any other type of mental illness..its a lonely sickness.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. ohmummymia
    April 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm

    I was afraid about PD because my labor was really hard and I was full of guilt as well. I even didn’t want to say that words at loud so I only said I don’t fell well and crying a lot and they put in my papers ‘baby blues’ but still sometimes I have feeling that this shit is getting me down

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      Oh mama! It took me forever to acknowledge that something was wrong with me. I knew nothing about ppd. I knew nothing about symptoms..about what happens. But it got really bad. I was afraid to let anyone know..not even my husband. I suffered alone for a long time and eventually it effected my children and my husband. Finally i admitted it to myself that something is wrong. Found a name to it. Eventually seen the doctor..and while the battle has been a thread so long, i am certain that I will get through this. If you know yourself that its more than baby blues please speak your doctor. Let your doctor know..all that you feel different about you. I promise its a step to healing what feels broken.

      Like

  10. April 17, 2017 at 1:07 am

    This is so raw. Motherhood is so riddled with guilt, I imagine doubly so with PPD.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. April 16, 2017 at 10:48 pm

    Such honesty you share with us, and it is a tear jerker. As I begin to battle my second round of post partum depression with a toddler in tow, I’m already feeling the mama guilt of how this is impacting his childhood. Its so tough. Lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:44 pm

      Fight on mama. You are strong. You are a good mother! As much as this illness hurts us and those we love.. our love is stronger. We will get through this! ❤

      Like

  12. April 16, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    A very touching and honest account of how postpartum depression has affected you and your family. I really hope you conquer this battle and am sure you will as you are so determined to get back your relationship with your son. wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:43 pm

      Thank you! My heartaches to know how this has affected my son. But we will get through this. I appreciate your support!

      Like

  13. madrediem
    April 16, 2017 at 8:12 pm

    You are so brave to share this. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be to deal with. However you seem so strong, capable and willing to do what you need to do to get back. Take care of yourself, mama!

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:40 pm

      Thank you! Everyday is a battle. Everyday is different. I can only continue to fight through for the sake of my family.

      Like

  14. April 16, 2017 at 7:57 pm

    Have you talked to your doctor about switching medications? I had extreme postpartum anxiety and OCD, which later turned into depression, and an antidepressant is the only thing that makes me feel normal. I’m on citalopram and it’s the only way I can function.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:37 pm

      I have yet to. He advised to try it for a month and come back to let him know how it’s working for me. I’ll see him again and probably get a different type of medication. Its also on low dosage so that may be it. I’ll make a note of that name. Im glad you have something that works for you. How long have you had it?

      Like

  15. April 16, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    You are brave. You are wondetful and most importantly, you are one helluva fighter momma! You will make it through! I know you will!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. April 16, 2017 at 9:22 am

    Thank you for sharing this. Incredibly brace of you to put it all out there.
    I suffered pnd after my first baby, 12 years on and i still am suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:31 pm

      Thank you! Im so sorry to hear that! I hope that you find comfort from the love you have from your family. Its hard and I don’t have answers but know you are strong and that there will come peace.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. April 15, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so heartfelt and touching. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. I hope that you take comfort in knowing that you are doing everything you can and that you are helping so many other moms out there by sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:30 pm

      The weight on my heart gets so heavy at times and the only way to take that weight off is to let it out. I have to allow my vulnerabilities to show because it roots from love. When we lead with love we heal. Sharing this is so important because people who go through this feel alone and feel the vastness of depression and its hard. I only hope that they would take a bit of comfort from this knowing that they are not bad moms or incapable.

      Liked by 1 person

      • April 17, 2017 at 10:22 pm

        That is so brave and beautiful of you to do so. It is amazing. Hugs to you!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. mostspecialmoments
    April 15, 2017 at 3:23 pm

    You are so brave and noble to post your story. It is so important that other women who are going through similar situations can read and know that they are not alone! You are a superstar mama!

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 15, 2017 at 6:57 pm

      Thank you so much! This is probably the hardest thing i have ever gone through as a mom. I’d take birthing another child over this! It takes so much of you away. It chips at the people you love and everyone suffers. Its the biggest regret i have with raising my son. That he got the worst of it! 😢

      Like

  19. April 15, 2017 at 1:07 pm

    Wow, this is such a beautiful, honest, and raw post. My heart aches for what you have to go through with you son (and other relationships), but you seem so strong and ready to fight! Thank you for sharing this piece of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 17, 2017 at 9:27 pm

      Sharing this means allowing myself to share my vulnerabilities. Many women who go through postpartum fear sharing it because the stigma around ppd judges the person and their capabilities to mother. This post shows that yes i am weak in these times..but i will surpass this with my family’s love.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: